How I'm Conquering My Fears - One at a Time

I used to be fearless. I'd ride the horse that bucked until they wouldn't buck anymore, I'd gallop my horse bareback through an open field, and I loved anything that was a challenge.

I used to fearless.

The last couple of years have destroyed my confidence when it comes to horses. In early 2018 I was charged at by a horse I'd been training, and she was out to hurt me. I'd never experienced anything like it and it shook me to the core.

In late 2018 I had finally started to feel more confident, only to have Cain (pictured above) trip and fall on top of me during a ride, a complete freak accident. Physically we were both fine, although I ended up on crutches for a month with a minor knee injury. Mentally, once again, it destroyed me.

My super swollen knee/thigh and cuts from sliding on the ground from the fall.

And finally, in early 2019 my three year old filly I had started myself started rearing straight up in the air, almost flipping once, while I was on her back. I think that was the last straw that made me feel like a complete failure of a rider.

Yikes. (Photo by Rumoured Moments Photography)

I tried to ride Cain a couple times following our fall, but I was so scared and so sure I wasn't a good enough rider that he was picking up on my emotions and feeding off of them. He was spooky, not very responsive, and neither of us were having any fun.

I didn't ride for a couple months after that. I watched my arena start to grow weeds in it, a symbol of my failure.

But one day in the fall of 2019 I felt compelled to start hand-picking the weeds, one by one, out of the arena. My husband came out and helped me drag the footing until it was back to its former glory. It felt like a proverbial fresh start for me; a reminder that no passion should be given up because of a few failures. Pick the weeds out and start again.

I started out slow. I only rode my trusted mare, Fancy, and at first only at a walk and jog. My fall happened at a lope, in this same arena, and I felt it could happen again at any second. I knew it was a freak accident, but I still couldn't get that feeling to go away. Eventually I started to lope again, and guess what happened? Fancy tripped. My heart about jumped out of my body - but she caught herself and away she went, like it had never happened. And I was okay.

Fancy, in all her beautiful glory!

Fancy was integral to the beginning of my confidence returning. She's been part of the family since 2013 and has taken me through more trails, barrel patterns, and circles in the arena than I can count. Having a trustworthy partner that took care of me was such an important first step. We even started loping the barrel pattern again, which I think made her as happy as it made me!

But still, I was afraid to get on Cain. He had done nothing wrong, and I knew that, but what if he fell again? What if I wasn't good enough of a rider to lead him? What if he didn't trust me anymore?

What if I tried anyway?

So with my husband attached to the lead, I got on Cain and just sat there. I could feel he was a bit high strung, but he stood there with me. We walked around a few steps, and then I called it a day. A small victory, for sure, but a victory nonetheless.

My first ride on Cain after more than six months off - doesn't he look thrilled?

I made a lot of excuses for myself to stay inside after that. It's cold, I'm tired, it might rain, it's slightly windy, I just don't feel like it. That first ride went okay, but what if the next doesn't?

And then I saw the quote:

The only rides you regret are the ones you skip.

(Unknown)

It started to haunt me every time I made a lame excuse as to why I wasn't out trying to regain confidence with my Cain. How am I ever going to heal if I don't just do it?

And so I went on, getting on him once a week or so over the fall and winter of 2019. Each ride got a little longer, adding patterns and jogging. And with each ride, I could feel him relaxing underneath me more, because I was relaxing, too. He spooked less and less, and listened more and more.

Christmas Eve, 2019 - exactly two months after that first ride. Look how much happier and more relaxed we both are!

Eventually I started adding a lope in, although I would always tense up and fear a fall with every step. Until one weird day, when I woke up and thought to myself, I'm just going to not be afraid today. Let's go ride.

And it was a great ride! Going into the ride with that mindset changed my whole experience. Cain was the calmest I've felt him since our fall, moved beautifully, and I didn't have back/shoulder pain because I wasn't tensed up the whole ride. He even got a full workout under saddle, earning a little sweat even in the middle of winter.

February 3rd, 2020 - the day I decided to stop letting fear ruin my rides!

I think that ride was another turning point for me. Freak accidents happen. Sometimes bad things happen that aren't freak accidents. But if you focus on your love for what you're doing instead of the fear, better things happen more often. I know Cain lost some trust in me, too - between our fall and the couple of rides I had shortly after. But now I feel I've shown him we can trust each other, and every ride has been better than the last ever since. I even loped him on the barrel pattern (awfully, but hey), something that I thought I might never do again.

You will not improve if you don't push yourself.

I'm not even close to being the rider I used to be, but I'm doing my best to continue to try scary things little by little. I'm hoping by the summer to get Cain back out on the trails and even go for a gallop! I set small goals for every ride, inching closer to my bigger goals every time.

If you are going through something similar, whether it's horseback riding or anything else - please push yourself, one small step at a time. Pushing myself to get back to doing things I found scary has made all the difference. In fact, during our last ride, sirens from a police car went off right next to the arena, and he didn't flinch. I believe it's because we've worked from the ground up on our relationship and rebuilding confidence in each other. If that happened right after the fall, I think I would've eaten the ground again. But here we are - stronger than before!

It sounds silly to me - riding horses for 20 years, and then being so afraid. But I can't be the only one out there. I hope if you are experiencing something similar that reading this will give you the push to get out there and do it (whatever "it" is).

Because truly, the only rides I regret are the ones I skipped. Maybe I'd be further along now if I hadn't made so many excuses, but I'm here now and ready to take on the world!